When I am surfing around the web or on social media, like you, I come across a lot of meme’s on relationships. Some of these wits of wisdom are wonderful and inspiring. Others kind of irk me for a few seconds as they often speak about waiting for the perfect relationship.
They actively tell people to wait for mr or mrs perfect to arrive. “Don’t take anyone into your life unless they are perfect” is there general underlying message. “If the person isn’t going to tick all your boxes, they just ain’t worth your time or effort” others exclaim.
And who wants to waste their time and effort finding out that their partner is not perfect? Why not just cut out all that hard work and possible heartache and seek the perfect partner first? Makes more sense, doesn’t it?
Look for the Perfect Relationship – You May Never Find It
Here is a very short story I once read.
A young man was having coffee one afternoon with an older gentleman. The older man was a man of the world. The young chap looked up to him and loved hearing about his tales of his travels, for the older man had travelled the world over.
This particular day the young chap wanted to know about the wiser man’s relationships.
“Tell me,” enquired the enthusiastic young man, “With all your travelling around the world, living in so many countries, meeting so many different people, how come you are still single?”
A warm but half disappointing smile befell the old man, although his eyes seemed to reveal a memory fro his heart. “I was always on the look out for my perfect partner. You know, my perfect soul mate” he said quietly.
“Did you ever meet her?”
“I did once,” said the older man. “She was perfect in every sense and every way”
Puzzled, the young man pursued his enquiry, “So what happened? Did you marry her?”
“No. We never even dated”
“But why, if she was the perfect woman?”
“Why? Because when I met her she was looking for her perfect man; her perfect soul mate”
Perfection Does Not Exist Within a Relationship
You see how it works? Perfection does not exist; except in God or nature.
How do we know that the older man and the woman he met could not have been great for each other? They were both blinded by their idea of the perfect mate.
I remember once when I was single and was kind of set up with a potential date. After only two or three minutes talking to her she asked me if I had been to university. I replied that I hadn’t.
Knowing people like I do, I instantly followed my reply by asking her if that was one box that hadn’t been ticked by me. I said it as humorously as I could, although I also detected I had upset her. I just couldn’t help it. I knew that more qualifying questions would soon follow.
Even as I answered her she appeared very impatient to get her next qualifier out.
They did. And in quick succession. Politely, after half an hour or so, I told there wasn’t really much point in going on for dinner as I knew I had ticked only about 2 of her 8 or 9 boxes that she required to be filled in.
The friend that had kindly introduced her to me later told me that her friend was shocked at how I had ‘worked her out’ so quickly. She wanted to see me again (We had discussed very briefly that I was a coach) to see if she should get rid of her boxes as she had had so many dates but nobody appealed to her.
Go With the Flow
The only criteria I go with are my feelings. Providing there is some basic attraction there and we ‘get on’ I don’t believe that people should have to tick boxes or be anywhere near “perfect”.
Don’t get me wrong, of course you should have things in common. I have learned that you should have more in common than not for a relationship to be a happy, lasting one.
Opposites might well attract; but they rarely last. Successful relationships are when both people have more in common than they don’t
But if those first few feelings are good, I think we should go with the flow and see how it goes.
In the above story both the older man and the woman he met stayed single. Maybe, if they hadn’t been looking for the perfect person to tick all the boxes they could have experienced a loving, lasting relationship. And maybe with each other.
The woman I met, I did meet her again. After a couple of coaching sessions she finally let go of the boxes that her potential partners had to tick. About six months later she ended her 5 years of being single and fell in love with a wonderful man. They have been together for some time now.
Bitterness from the Past We Should Let Go Of
As I get older I have found this perfection-in-my-mate-malarkey is often a self-preservation tactic. Usually, the person inclined to seek a perfect relationship is still hurt from a previous one. They haven’t managed to close the door and let go.
When bitterness enters our hearts it often prevents love from entering, even though it is love we seek
They start generalising that all relationships or all men/women are like their previous one.
This cuts off all possibility of love from entering their lives. They don’t want to suffer heartache or to make the ‘same mistake’ again. I can understand that because nothing hurts quite like a shattered heart eh? But with some people this is when bitterness grows within and kinda takes over.
I see it on social media from singletons. The sharing of posts that seem to me, to have a strong undercurrent of bitterness to them. It’s a shame.
So if you are single and don’t wish to be, don’t give up hope. Of course look for somebody with whom you have common interests and even common goals. But don’t seek perfection in your possible partner because it doesn’t exist. Doing that will only lead to unhappiness and loneliness.
And besides you don’t want to be like the older man in the above story! You know, meet someone you would love to settle down with but who doesn’t see you as perfect for them.
Remember, people pick up on your unconscious signals. Be mindful of what you are sending out.