This is a personal plea to all absent Father’s out there and also to the children of those Fathers who are not in your life. This is not a ‘finger pointing’ message to appoint blame at an absent Father. Neither is it a post about condoning or trying to excuse the actions of an absent Father. And neither is it a post about how children deserve or should be angry with their absent father.
No, it is none of these. This is a post about love. The love that exists between every parent and child; no matter what. It is also a post of hope I suppose. Hope that maybe, just maybe, one absent Father can tap into that ocean of love inside and get in touch with their kids.
And of course, for that to happen, I hope that the child can also tap into that infinite, all powerful reservoir of love inside and be able to accept that contact.
To the Absent Fathers
I know you are thinking of your kids today, it may not be all day, but I know you will be. I know that on days like today, not seeing your son or daughter will touch your heart and pull on its strings. I also know that soon after these feelings have touched you, you will shut them out. You will do something else to take your mind away from this day.
But those feelings were and are real. I know you will use self-justification as to why you are not in contact with your children. And I know that the longer you have left it to get in touch, the harder it is to do so. I also know that some of that lack of contact is for self-preservation; to suppress the guilt you feel about not being in touch. And of course to avoid the pain; the pain you feel (or felt for a while after you left) and the pain you know your children are going through.
Love is the strongest force in the universe. Stronger than anger, resentment, guilt and hatred.
Why not use that love I know you have for your kids and get in touch with them?
Of course you might get rejected. Of course it could end in disappointment. Of course they might curse you, shout at you, swear at you. But you would have tried. And even if you receive messages of never contact me again, or worse, I know that deep in their heart they will appreciate it, because deep in that same heart they have been feeling pain, despite their words and actions to the contrary.
And I know this too. Every child wants and needs both of their parents in their life. Deep down in their soul they love you. And love is the most powerful force on earth. It can repair any broken ties and heal every wound. And it can certainly reunite Fathers with their children.
I know they miss you. I know they love you.
To The Children
I don’t know at what age your Dad left you; maybe it was before you were born, not long after or many years into your childhood. It doesn’t matter when they left as long as you know this:
It was not your fault in any shape or form. You had absolutely no say in that outcome. You couldn’t have done anything differently that might have swayed what happened. So free yourself from any lingering blame or guilt.
I know that you may openly tell your close friends, relatives and family that you hate your Dad for what he did. Abandoning you; leaving your Mother to raise you and probably on her own. And I know it would have been tough. I also know that over time, we can start to believe our own stories we have told ourselves about how much we hate them for leaving us, just when we needed them most.
But I also know that deep down in our very core we do love our Dads. I know you love yours too. Yes you do.
I know that today when you see the Happy Father’s day posts, you too will have your heartstrings pulled. Maybe thoughts pop in your mind that start with, If Only…. and, I wish…
Those emotions may be only there fleetingly, almost imperceptible, but I know they are there. Just like your Dad does it in his own way to null the pain and guilt, I know you will use such statements of, ‘I don’t care about him and I never want to see him anyway. I hate him’ so you can avoid the pain of rejection.
Rejection, in all its forms follows the same neural pathways as physical pain; hence most people will do everything they can to avoid any and all rejection
As human beings we will do all we can to move away from pain and to avoid, at all costs, rejection. You have already had the biggest rejection anyone could ever possibly experience; a parent leaving you and not being in touch is that rejection. And, understandably, you don’t want to feel those painful feelings again. I get that, I really, really do.
So just like I have said to all the Dad’s above I want to say the same thing to you too.
Love is the strongest most potent force in the world. It can overcome everything; if you can only allow it into your life. And there is one place in the whole universe where that magical force of love is at its strongest; the bond between a parent and their child.
I know deep down you do love him. And just as important, I know that he loves you. I hope on those rare occasions when those feelings of love for your Dad do surface, you can remember that.
So if your Dad should get in touch with you this Father’s day or in the future, you will need to tap into that same love he is in contacting you, to be able to accept that fragile olive branch.
I believe it is wired into our DNA, even our very soul, that every child loves their Father no matter what. And every Father loves their child; no matter what. And if that bond is not present, it will be missed in some way and on some level.
And for those of you whose father’s are no longer here on this earth and you experienced a strained, tense or absent relationship with him, I hope you can take from this post that he did love you. He truly did.
And lastly, for all of those of you who miss their Dad because they have passed, they still love you now. They watch over you from beyond the thin veil that separates us all. They are closer to you than you probably know.